Health Class

Sometimes life itself is the fodder for a good script. My Health class the other day played out like a scene from Mean Girls. I grabbed a pencil and started writing things down as son as I realized the comedic goldmine that that class is during our group presentations the other day. The assignment was to do a two-minute presentation on any health subject we wanted. Here are the highlights:

Slutty-looking girl with smoker voice and nose ring:

I decided to do my paper on binge drinking. Ok, I like to party on weekends, but when you do, you have to be sure it's not like your first time. You gotta build up kind of a tolerance to alcohol. I partied with this girl a couple of weeks ago, and it was her first time, but she was drinkin that shit just like everybody else, and now she's in a coma. I also have this other friend, and I was partying with HIM, and he didn't realize he was mixing everything with like, painkillers, and he was in a coma for two weeks and when he woke up he had no memory from the last three months and so he failed all his classes.

Chipper blond girl with stereotypical sunny personality:

The health benefits of dark chocolate: I am doing my report on the health benefits of dark chocolate. Dark chocolate has many unknown health benefits. Some of the health benefits of dark chocolate are listed below....

ULTRA skinny girl:

Eating disorders can ruin or even end your life. I read online about a girl who was eating baking soda to help herself vomit, and then she went and had a salad with a vinaigrette dressing on it, and she exploded and died.

Boy with backward baseball cap:

I'm doing my report on crystal meth. I brought some treats I'm going to pass around for everyone. If you do crystal meth, take a dum-dum pop, and if you don't do crystal meth, take a smarties.

And my favorite:

Dumpy, fat girl, in tears:

The thing I'm going to talk about today is very private and personal to me. In the summer of 2007, I was diagnosed with genital herpes. When you first contract genital herpes, you just look down there, and you see all these little red bumps. But after a few weeks, they turn into big, red, painful blisters. And they hurt. A lot. It feels like, if you accidentally zip your vagina in your zipper. Only like a hundred times worse. I was a prime candidate for getting genital herpes, because it's a lot easier for a woman to get it from a man, and also because my boyfriend is black.


Anyway, friends. Apparently, I'm the only one in that class not mature enough to not laugh at this stuff. Oh well. Someday it'll be a scene on some TV show and all of America will be laughing, thinking I made this up. Which I did not.